My Dearest General: It Has Always Been You

There was so much Si Zhening wanted to ask her. He had even prepared the list such as, how well had she been living all these years? Was her sleep still plagued with nightmares? Did the memory of that week still haunted her?

But as soon as he saw the toddler, all the questions stuck in his throat, unable to be delivered. Instead, he only asked one thing, one most important question which he urgently wanted to hear the answer to. 

"So, are you leaving home for...this child?"

Si Qingzhao's face paled, especially when she looked into his eyes. Si Zhening had no idea what she saw in them. He himself didn't understand what he was feeling. "Don't you hate him? If you do, why are you still willing to—" give birth to this devil's spawn?

However, he knew better than to say that out loud. He had learned so much from experience. What to say and what not to say, he could already make an accurate judgement. Albeit that accuracy seemed to be in vain in the face of Si Qingzhao's ashy complexion.

"Mama…?" The toddler tugged on her skirt, eyes brimming with tears.

Si Qingzhao instantly brought him to her embrace, coddling and cajoling. "It's okay. This is Mama's younger brother. Say hello to Uncle."

A pair of eyes similar to Nan Cheng glanced at him nervously. "U—Uncle…"

Si Zhening felt so repulsed to the point where he almost vomited his breakfast. 

"Anyway, come in first…" Si Qingzhao opened the door wider. Although the exterior looked shabby, the inside was very cozy and comfortable. The area resembled how Si Qingzhao was; cheerful, gentle and calming. She sat on the sofa and continued to feed the child. "What do you come here for?"

Si Zhening couldn't bring himself to say that he came here to find her, to live with her again. Fortunately, his small backpack didn't give him away. Instead, he looked as if he was only travelling. "To see how you're doing." He said, betraying all of his original intention. "Why are you living in such a place? Does Brother not give you enough money?"

"No." She shook her head. "He gave me more than enough already. It's just that...it's more comfortable this way."

Just in one glance, Si Zhening could tell that she was hiding something. She had always been a bad liar. "Are you still hiding from that person? Is he the one who forced you on the run?"

Si Qingzhao's pupils trembled and her hand shook. "You…You know?"

Seeing that, Si Zhening clenched his fist and lowered his eyes. There it was again, the suffocating that almost crushed his chest. What exactly was this feeling?

Si Zhening stood up. "It seems like you're busy. I will take my leave first. If you need something, give me a call." 

Si Qingzhao chuckled and shook her head helplessly. He knew what she meant by that. He was only a fourteen years old brat. What help could he give her? Could he win against Nan Cheng? Could he eliminate all of the threats around her?

No, he couldn't. From the start, there was nothing he could do.

"Ah Ning."

Si Zhening halted in his tracks.

"Are you not even going to ask my child's name?" 

He knew the appropriate reaction to that. He should pretend that he had forgotten, saying that the surprise had caused it to slip from his mind. Deliver a few compliments; how cute, he looks just like you, you're good at choosing names etcetera. Then, he would be able to walk out of this house after making Si Qingzhao happy.

But this time, Si Zhening was really unwilling to follow his logic.

He pretended as if he heard nothing and left.

***

Three months later, Si Qingzhao moved to City T and similarly, Si Zhening also followed her, although she was sure that the woman knew nothing about it. That's why, when she opened the door and found him on her doorsteps again, her eyes widened in surprise before it morphed into frustration. "Why are you here? Do you even go to school?!"

"I can study just fine by myself."

"No!" Si Qinzhao exclaimed angrily. "Go home and return to school! I will pay for your school fees!" 

She wanted to slam the door on his face but Si Zhening held onto the frame. "Aren't you tired living like this? Do you want me to get rid of Nan Cheng?" He looked at her intently.

Say it. As long as she said the word, he was willing to do anything for her. 

However, Si Qingzhao turned angrier instead. "Nonsense!" She pushed him back harshly. "Go home! If I see you around again, I will not forgive you!" 

Bang! The door was slammed shut.

Si Zhening stood still, his lips pressed tight. 

For the next two years, Si Qingzhao moved thrice. Si Zhening still had no idea what had ensued between her and Nan Cheng and why she was so insistent on running away from him. What he noticed was, Nan Cheng's people were hot on her trail. Sometimes, Si Zhening even clashed with them head on. He fought with them with the same ferocity, earning him a body full of bruises and injuries. 

Si Zhening was careful not to let Si Qingzhao find him but what was destined to happen would still happen. 

One day, Si Zhening was resting in an alley after another fierce fight when Si Qingzhao suddenly rushed out from nowhere, face soaked in tears. She collapsed in front of him, tremblingly reached out toward his badly injured face. "Ah Ning… Ah Ning… How did you become like this? I'm sorry. It's all my fault. You shouldn't have followed me…"

Si Zhening coughed and wiped the blood on his lips. "I did it willingly. Not your fault."

But the woman was too hysterical to digest his words. Repeatedly, she kept saying, "Sorry, please forgive me… I'm sorry…"

"I SAID I DID IT ON MY OWN VOLITION!" Si Zhening roared. "STOP SAYING SORRY!" It might be the one and only time he had shouted on top of his lungs. He also didn't know what had compelled him to do so. Just that, seeing Si Qingzhao consumed in self-blame like this...his heart ached as if it was torn into pieces.

That day, he finally learned the truth from Si Qingzhao's mouth. 

During her graduation party, Nan Cheng was also there to sign a business contract. Not only was that man the role model for children, but women also yearned for someone like him. Handsome, rich, gentle and kind. He was like a charming prince straight out of a romance movie. 

Si Qingzhao… also held some naïve expectations. Could someone like Nan Cheng fall for her? Was it possible for her to approach him? 

That night, after drinking lots of alcohol and getting tipsy, Si Qingzhao threw herself on him, almost begging the man to take her first time just like a whore. If her parents and Si Yusheng were to see her like this, they would be so ashamed to admit her as a daughter and sister.

...It was ridiculous. Even up to this day, Si Qingzhao blamed herself, thinking that the world was simple and beautiful. How naive. She really, really regretted it a lot. 

Nan Cheng didn't refuse and brought her to the presidential suite.

It was the beginning of Si Qingzhao's nightmare.

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A/N: Si Zhening QAQ he's struggling to cope with the feelings he doesn't even understand....