Death, Devotion, Dissonance

<As for your mother…> Endra yawned. <Well, you'll just have to give her some space. Personally, I think you two separating was a great thing.>

Evin did not like what Endra was saying, but he decided to wait for an explanation.

<I feel like you two feel obligated to love each other,> Endra continued. <I might not make sense, but the motivations behind why you feel the need to love and care for one another are… wrong. Definitely, there is that unconditional love between you, but you two don't realize how different you are. It's like you two had different expectations of each other, but you're now slowly realizing how wrong that was.>

<You were right, you really aren't making sense,> Evin said. <And it's not like I have expectations from my mother.>

<Ehh… it's debatable.>

<No. I know I sound like an asshole, but she left me when I was three. How would it be rational of me to expect something from her?>

<But you agree that she has expectations from you, right? She feels saddened at how accustomed you are to violence and murder. She wants you to be more merciful and loving.>

<I guess.>

<But how does she dare assume that? She left your fate at the hands of your father. Did she think he would turn over a leaf and start acting properly after she was gone? Or did she think that it was her that was causing Edmund to be violent?>

<…>

<Well, of course she realizes that. She could leave hell, but to do so, she had to leave you behind. She doesn't say a word about your killings and violence because she knows she doesn't have the right to. But that doesn't mean she's happy about it. Same with you. If you really had no expectations from your mother, you wouldn't be stressing so much about her being sad at you. 

<At the very least, you expect her to accept you as who you are. You know, you're proud of yourself. You've been through shit and you came out victorious. You hit rock bottom and you managed to climb out of it. That's prideworthy. You know it, I know it, Bella knows it, but your mother doesn't. And that hurts you, coz you want her to be proud of you. You want to be acknowledged by her.>

Evin really didn't have anything to say to that. He silently trudged on towards his destination, his eyes idly scrutinizing the point where the gray met the blue of the sky. He was close to the peak.

<Leave each other be. Hopefully, she'll realize what's the problem by herself. If she doesn't, ask Ssatsko to tell her.>

<You're really talkative today, aren't you?> Evin replied.

<I guess I am,> Endra hummed. <I might not have the chance to talk to you so often after this, so…>

<Then does that mean you're willing to talk about anything if I ask for it?>

<Maybe.>

<…>

<…>

<Why did you make me kill my father?>

<Ah,> Endra paused. <How embarrassing.>

<Just say whatever. It's not like I'll get mad at you or anything.>

<I was actually expecting you'll get more devastated by that. According to my deranged head, you would've realized how destructive I can be after witnessing your father's death, and then I'd force you to do what I want. Maybe even threaten Bella or Leanne's lives if I need to.>

Evin remembered Endra casually mentioning something like that before. At the time, he could only hope he was joking, but he was very worried for a few days afterwards. What Evin was more interested in was that Endra was crazy during the act.

<Your deranged head?>

<Yeah, I think I was going crazy around that time.>

<You went crazy?>

<Yeah,> Endra sighed. <I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but it's hard being a Voice in someone's head, you know?>

<Then why are you okay now?>

<Let's just say, insanity doesn't work for me. I do have insane thoughts, but my sane self is still in there somewhere, laying low. I guess you could say I can only act insane, if that makes sense.>

It was weird, but it made sense to Evin. There definitely was a period after Edmund died when Endra wasn't acting like himself. And eventually, he was back to normal like nothing happened.

<Anyhow, my sanity returned at some point and I had to stop being crazy. I also realized quite a few things during that time too. I realized that it's best to let you do as you wish and just stop thinking about my independence so much. I knew obsessing over it was just going to get me more depressed.>

<Huh…>

<Yep. Huh,> Endra chuckled. <Oh, it was also around that time that I decided to share whatever I know with you without holding back. Before that, I planned to tell you about all those things when I parted with you, but I felt that it was going to take too long, so I started talking about them beforehand.>

<Yeah, I noticed that… But I still don't know your full story,> Evin said.

<Well, I'd rather not talk about that,> Endra was likely grimacing. <Just be happy with whatever lessons I managed to learn from my past and leave it at that.>

It suddenly didn't feel fair to Evin.

<You'd let a complete stranger like Lord Kena to see it, but not me?>

Endra sighed deeply in Evin's head. 

<Precisely because he's a stranger I can let him see it. He can sympathize with me, but at the end of the day, he doesn't really care. As for you, I'd rather keep it a secret. Honestly, I wouldn't share it with anyone else either.>

<Unless you're selling it for something,> Evin growled.

Evin knew Endra was smiling at that.

<Unless it gets me something I really, really, really want.>

Evin reached the peak. He looked below and sure enough, a large blue-green tree was growing from the ground below.