Imperfect Desires

"Mom!" Asteria ran up to Qiu Meihui's side and hugged her. "Happy New Year!"

Qiu Meihui hugged her back and smiled softly at her. Years that she spent in prison had left a mark on her. She looked quite not like herself. Recently, she had been moved to the hospital for mental health. 

She knew she'd be meeting her daughter today. Asteria had grown up to be almost 11 now and looked more and more beautiful. Qiu Meihui didn't know whether she felt happy to see her or not. She always had a mixed feeling in her heart when she met Asteria.

In the last four years, not even once had it been when Xiao Li hadn't brought Asteria to meet her every month right on time. It had always been like that. And Qiu Meihui always had nothing to say to her daughter.

What could she say? She knew her daughter was more than happy where she was. She could hear it all from Asteria. After all, her daughter shared it with her. The strongest feeling in Qiu Meihui's heart for her daughter was guilt. Now that she was slowly calming down with the medicine, she had come to realize her feelings for Asteria somewhat.

She could never be a good mother. She couldn't even be a good daughter, how was she to become a good mother? That's why she felt really sorry for her daughter.

With a knock, Xiao Li only entered half an hour later and reminded Asteria, "It's about time to leave, Ria."

"Yes, Papa!" Asteria called back. She looked back at her mother and hesitated before she put a box in which were some cupcakes. "I learned from Xiu how to bake cupcakes. I hope you try some. I'll come to see you again."

Asteria walked outside as she lowered her head. She was trying to hide her reddened eyes from Xiao Li and Xiao Li knew that as well. Asteria had learned a lot in these years. She even learned how to hide her tears from Xiao Li.

She knew how much Xiao Li loved her. Even a real father might not have loved her as much as Xiao Li did. And everyone else in the family loved her. Even Xiu! She always believed that Xiu should have hated her for being Qiu Meihui's daughter. But strangely, she realized that Xiu always looked at her as Xiao Li's daughter. She loved her mother but she loved this family way too much more now.

As Xiao Li was also about to leave, Qiu Meihui stopped him, "I have something to tell you."

Xiao Li stopped for a minute and walked inside. He didn't sit but waited patiently for her to talk. He'd always give her respect just because she was the one who gave birth to Asteria.

"I have contacted my lawyer," she told him.

"What for?"

Qiu Meihui looked up at him, "To get a divorce." She sighed heavily, "In a bizarre way, we are still legally married. And I don't wish to keep you locked up in this hopeless relationship." Xiao Li's expressions changed a little. "Xiao Li, I know you've loved me a lot. But now, you should hate me even more. Our relationship is a dead-end."

"I know that," said Xiao Li.

"Then stop punishing yourself," she said to him with tears in her eyes. She held back her tears as she continued, "Just for loving the wrong person, you don't deserve such a heavy punishment. Let's get a divorce. And you should find your own happiness now." 

"You don't need to tell me what I need to do," said Xiao Li.

"I won't take Asteria from you," she told him which actually relaxed Xiao Li. Even she could see that he was visibly relaxed now that she made that clear. She smiled sadly to herself as she continued, "Asteria needs a mother. You are a good father. But you can't be a mother."

"What are you trying to say?" asked Xiao Li with knitted brows.

"I couldn't be a good mother to her," said Qiu Meihui. "I don't deserve a good daughter like her. So, please find her a mother who loves her wholeheartedly. But let me warn you, if you brought one of those evil and scheming stepmothers for her, I'll rip you apart. Even if I have to go back to prison, I'll do it!"

Xiao Li didn't know why he actually found it a little funny. Was it really something she should be saying in this situation?

"The divorce will be done after the holidays, please cooperate with my lawyer," said Qiu Meihui.

"You're getting out of here once you recover," said Xiao Li. "Are you planning on leaving?"

"I have nothing to stay for," she said. "If I stay, I'll only become the reason on conflicting in my daughter's heart. I don't want her to be sad because of me anymore. So, take it as a request. When I'm gone, just take care of her as you already do."

Xiao Li had already figured that she must be planning to leave the country but he didn't expect her to tell him that. She wasn't running anymore. She was calmly telling him her plans. If only she had talked like this with him back then instead of acting upon her rage, wouldn't they have ended up in a different situation?

"Asteria will always be daughter," he told her. "I don't need you to tell me how to raise her. I'll do everything in my power to make sure she grows up to be a happy child."

"Then that's a relief," said Qiu Meihui and watched him leave. She also went back to the room appointed to her and sat down on the chair placed near the window. Putting her elbow on the windowsill, she placed her head on her elbow and continued to see the mother of the little birds, feeding them with her mouth in the nest that was on the tree right outside her window.